The General Delivery University Catalog the world's largest on-line diploma mill.

Get In Touch With Your Inner Rodent ...a parody on self-help books.

SCREENPLAYS

January 20th A terrorist"what if" story.

The Sparrow WWII story about the Air Transport Command

TREATMENTS

SLIDEBACK What if the mob had a war with a big corporation?

THE DEAD PEOPLE How do you think you'll survive on Social Security?

The Voodoo Economics Department of the General Delivery University has issued its unusually optimistic forecast for the US economy in 2008.

"It is not to say the economy is going to Hell in a handbasket," said Robert Vescow, head of the Voodoo Econ Dept, "because it is."

"Between the huge drain of the war in Iraq, the mortgage and credit meltdown, and millions of people getting  pink slips now that the Christmas holidays are over," Vescow explained, "things are really going to get grim."

"But any idiot can see that coming," he added.

"The real deal here is whenever there are losers, there are also winners," he added.

"Plus those that are smart enough to escape federal indictment," Vescow said.

Vescow concentrated on trying to make lemonade out of the lemon we're all sucking on.

HOUSING: For those who have any money, there are going to be really good deals in buying foreclosed houses in 2008. The best time to buy will be after September, 2008 when  the new home building industry has completely collapsed, and the price falls another 30 to 40 percent in home values from December 2007 levels. "Banks manage to write stuff off, which I've never understood how they can do that," Vescow explained, "but presto chango after the non-performing assets are written off, they can sold and the books wash out and all the stupid people who made the stupid decisions have been fired. It's the American way."

TRADITIONAL MEDIA: Newspapers, which have been going in the toilet for years, will finally hit a plateau. "The thing that will ultimately save a portion of the newspaper industry are people who have caged birds in their homes," Vescow said. "There's absolutely nothing that can replace a newspaper for lining the bottom of a bird cage, so bird keepers will have to maintain a supply of papers." Vescow also noted that as long as newspapers are printed with soy-based ink, demand will actually increase from organic farmers needing a good source of mulch. "Print media are probably wise to keep laying off reporters because no one really reads newspapers that much any more."

LITIGATION: The legal industry will thrive on the economic carnage, pretty much the same way vultures and hyenas thrive off death on the African plains. "People will be even more inclined to sue other people, and especially their former employers and big corporations, the worse things get," Vescow said. Vescow has proposed that big national law firms ought to start selling stock in their firms to raise capital to maintain their litigiousness. "Beats the heck out of renting clients. And think about the potential return...a third of a third to the investor shareholders."

CHEAP HD TELEVISIONS: Sometime in the near future folks are going to figure out their existing television sets are about to be obsolete, and will be forced to buy new High Definition tv sets. "The problem is, no one can figure out plasma versus whatever, and all the HD sets are way too expensive. The company that can put a $99 HD tv into Wal Mart is going to be the hottest investment of the year." 

TINY LITTLE CARS: Those living near the US-Mexico border are accustomed to seeing tiny little cars on US roads that were made in Mexico. They beat the heck out of US cars in gas mileage, but cannot be imported because they don't have pollution control systems, and are probably death traps in an accident with an SUV. "It will dawn on someone that a car, even without pollution control devices, that gets 40 miles per gallons produces a lot less crud that a car getting 20 miles per gallons, and people are going to want the little buggers," Vescow explained. "US automakers are still years away from producing large numbers of cheap tiny cars, but they're already doing this in Mexico. Maybe we ought to legalize Mexican workers and Mexican made cars at the same time." The collision issue will resolve itself because with $4 to $5 gasoline coming, no one will be able to afford to drive their hulking gas guzzling SUVs any more.

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

With the cost of living increasing daily, and wages falling behind steadily, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you now make.

How does one cut their income by 90% and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait two years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price two years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1985 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $7.50, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2008, try living in 1998. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1998 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. But you can try our Home Surgery program and save thousands of dollars.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.

POLITICS

Chicago Rules of Political Fund-Raising

I obtained the following memorandum from the Chicago political machine:

FUND-RAISING GUIDELINES

1. All political contributions must be in cash, in small denomination bills, so that the sources cannot be traced or remembered. A campaign financed by a large number of small contributions looks more grass-roots and democratic, anyway.

2. Take contributions from all sides of an issue, therefore no one can say they bought the candidate because too many conflicting interests will have the same claim. Contributions are supposed to buy access, therefore an effective fund-raising strategy is to " maximize access".

3. Never try and raise money while inside a government building or on a government job. This makes it look like the candidate is using taxpayer money to raise funds. Appearances are more importance than substances. The target knows you are the government and what that means. There is plenty of time after 5 pm to hustle for dough, and the parking lot is as good a place as any to solicit.

4. Never have the political candidate directly handle any money. The candidate can ask for money, but it has to be given to someone else to carry and spend. Remember, candidates never touch money. It looks tacky. And the candidate might spend the money.

5. Buy lots of television time and newspaper ad space with the money, because these are expenditures the media will never question. The more people who benefit from campaign expenditures, the fewer there are to question them.

6. Rewards are always made before the donation, therefore no one can claim they got the reward for the donation. Let them spend the night in the Governor's Mansion or the White House before they write the check. Of course, some people will rip the candidate off, but if the candidate wins, there is plenty of time to get even, or collect a belated donation.

7. Make sure anyone appointed to public office looks at least remotely qualified for the job so the candidate can deny the $100,000 they donated to the campaign had anything to do with them getting the job. If this is the last time the candidate is running for the position, make sure at least 3 different contributors think they're in line for the appointment, as this increases campaign cash-flow and the candidate's credibility when he or she claims they did not promise to job to any one person. (Then appoint a relative).

8. It is illegal to take money from foreign governments. Make sure the money comes from an account in the name of a US citizen.

9. There are only two kinds of people--friends and enemies. Friends give money. Enemies give subpoenas.

10. The only way to avoid illegal political contributions is to eliminate political contributions. Unfortunately, elimination of political contributions would make politics very unprofitable.

Chicago Rules For Stealing Elections

Vote early and vote often

Our election get-out-the-vote effort was pioneered by Mayor Richard Daley in 1960 when he stole the election from Richard Nixon.

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O'Hare: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.