October 30 to November 6, 2001
US POSTAL SERVICE ANNOUNCES NEW STAMP
WASHINGTON: In the wake of the discovery that the US postal system has been contaminated by anthrax-laden letters, the US Postal Service has unveiled a new postage stamp.
"The new postage stamp accomplishes two purposes," said Ben Frank, spokesman for the Postal Service. "It commemorates the discovery of anthrax in our mail, and it serves as a warning to the public to be very careful when handling unopened mail."
The new postage stamp incorporates the universal bio-hazards warning symbol.
It is not recommended that this stamp be licked.
US MAY BOMB TRENTON, NEW JERSEY
WASHINGTON: Unconfirmed reports from anonymous sources near the Pentagon suggest that the United States may be considering bombing Trenton, New Jersey in an attempt to root out terrorist connections to Osama bin Laden.
"Using the logic of our bombing campaign in Afghanistan, it is consistent to bomb several parts of Trenton, because we know the terrorists who attacked the US once lived there," said the anonymous source.
"In the off chance there still might be others involved in the terrorist plot still living somewhere in New Jersey, the bombing could accidentally kill someone important," he said.
Concerns over collateral damages to civilian facilities and deaths among the New Jersey civilian population were discounted by the source. "Like they've been saying, civilian casualties are a consequence of war."
Primary targets for the bombing of New Jersey include sites where mail boxes were located from which anthrax-laden letters were mailed, and the neighborhoods where the September 11th attackers once lived.
"Since we don't know where any of the bastards really are, and feel a strong need to blow the crap out of something, bombing Trenton makes just as much sense as bombing Afghanistan," said our source.
REPUBLICANS PROMOTE ECONOMIC STIMULUS PROGRAM FOR THOSE WHO DON'T NEED IT
WASHINGTON: By a 2 vote margin, House Republicans passed an economic stimulus bill intended to reward big corporations who gave money to Republican candidates.
"Since the country was focused on anthrax, we figured we could sneak this through without anyone noticing," said Rep. Charley Fink, (R) Florida.
ORDINARY DOG SHOW SCHEDULED
LOS ANGELES: A new type of dog show is scheduled for January that will not allow any pure bred animals to participate.
"People are sick and tired of pedigrees and breeding lines," said Joe Jones, promotor of the Ordinary Dog Show.
"We want to allow people with mutts to show off their dogs," he added.
Categories for competition in the Ordinary Dog Show will include:
--Most unlikely combination of parentage (i.e. breed a Dalmation with a Dachshound).
--Dog most representing his wolf ancestry.
--Best pickup riding dog.
--Most obsequious dog.
--Dog that can perform the stupidest trick.
--Dog demonstrating the least ability to be trained.
--Dog that can jump the highest.
--Best frisbee catching dog.