Aliens Abduct Bill Gates To Canada, Underwear Proven To Cause Flu

The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

May 1 to May 8, 1997

Justice Bill Gates Kidnapped By Aliens

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was reportedly abducted by aliens yesterday. The abduction occurred from the Microsoft world headquarters in Redmond, Washington. Gates was subsequently sighted in Vancouver, Canada in the company of the aliens, who were described as "prominent Canadian bankers".

"We are not sure what the purpose of Bill's unscheduled visit to Canada is about," said a confidential source, "but we think it has something to do with Canada's desire to become a world power in something besides the production of wheat." Rumors on Wall Street have the Canadians attempting to lure Microsoft to Canada. " After all, Vancouver isn't that far from

Redmond," explained a Seattle resident, "and hey, they speak almost the same language up there as we do in America."

Were Gates to relocate to Canada, his net worth would be impossible to calculate in Canadian dollars. "There's no one in the US who can figure out the exchange rate," a clerk at the McDonald's in downtown Vancouver said, "which is why we accept US dollars and give Canadian money as change." The general impression is that US money exchanged for Canadian money gives you more money that doesn't buy as much. This would be consistent with Microsoft's Windows 95.

Underwear Proven To Cause Flu

Scientists at the General Delivery Universityannounced today that they have discovered the true cause of the flu. "Our exhaustive statistical analysis conclusively proves that everyone who has caught the flu this year had previously worn underwear," explained Dr. Philbert Glocknoodle, "and we could find no case where a person who caught the flu had run around without wearing underwear for any extended period of time." GDU's research team did not find any correlation between flu cases and the type of underwear worn. "We have discovered that the same trend may apply to the common cold, and many other maladies," Glocknoodle added.

If the discovery by the GDU scientist is proven valid, it could represent a major breakthrough in the prevention of many common ailments. "As scientists, we cannot say that not wearing underwear will prevent a person from contacting the flu, especially without a royalty agreement," Glocknoodle cautioned.

The scientific community was immediately split over the significance of the underwear discovery. "Pure junk science," snorted Randal Bascomb with the Las Vegas Institute of Technology. "Possibly the most significant discovery of the 20th century," extolled the science writer for Time Magazine.

Millions of Americans were reportedly considering dispatching with the habit of wearing underwear in the wake of the revelation. "I'm already going to live forever," explained one potential convert to the briefless society, "because I take DHEA, melatonin, eat nothing but natural food, and run six miles per day. But I keep getting the flu every winter, and if tossing my boxer shorts will keep me healthy, why not?"

America's tobacco industry immediately seized on the underwear causal effect. "It is also probably true that everyone who got lung cancer wore underwear," claimed a spokesperson for the embattled industry, "therefore it is not true that smoking causes cancer."

Copyright 1997 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company. All Rights Reserved.

times Bill and Hillary wished they'd never have heard of Whitewater.

This publication looks best with either