Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper & Ezine

Sometimes a true story is so unbelievable that it belongs in a satirical newspaper. This is one of those stories.
The Santa Cruz River in Tucson.

The US Department of Interior's Bureau of Reclamation has constructed a 300 mile long canal from the Colorado River in Western Arizona through Phoenix and down to Tucson in Baja Arizona. Called the Central Arizona Project (CAP) this canal conveys Colorado River water to the Santa Cruz River Valley. All sorts of "exotic" fish live in the CAP canal, such as bass and catfish.

The US Fish & Wildlife Service (USF&WS), another branch of the Department of Interior, has determined that the exotic fish living in the CAP canal might escape, swim up the Santa Cruz River, and eat endangered species of fish that live upstream in that river. The problem is, the Santa Cruz River is dry 360 days a year for about 20 miles, and when it flows, it washes cars downstream. Thus, the bass and other exotic fish would have to swim through sand and the occasional '57 chevy to get to the endangered species of fish.

Under the Endangered Species Act (ESA) the USF&WS has the duty to protect endangered species. Therefore, to fulfill its duty, USF&WS decided that the Bureau of Reclamation must install a fish barrier (dam) on the Santa Cruz River to keep the bass from swimming upstream (through the sand). However, the fish barrier isn't enough, because people might catch the bass, carry them around in buckets, and dump them farther upstream. People might also dump aquarium fish into the river as well. Therefore, USF&WS has requested that the Bureau of Reclamation give USF&WS money every year for a contingency fund to "support management of non-native fish and research to support that management." Translated, this means one federal agency would give money to another federal agency to figure out how to stop people from carrying fish around in buckets.

If the Bureau of Reclamation does not agree to give money from its budget to USF&WS' budget every year, then USF&WS would ban the use of CAP water to recharge badly depleted groundwater aquifers along the Santa Cruz River near Tucson.

Thus, while Congress has tried to curb USF&WS's abuse of the ESA by cutting its budget, the agency has figured out how to exact funds from other federal agencies.

Interestingly, the people of Tucson voted overwhelmingly to recharge CAP water into the Santa Cruz River. And even more interestingly, the area where the river does flow (and the endangered species of fish live) only flows because of sewage effluent discharges from Mexico, and Mexico has a treaty right to take their effluent back and dry up the river again.

So...while most people favor protecting endangered species, this is actually how it is done.

Lest anyone think we're making all this up, contact the Central Arizona Water Conservation District, 23636 N. 7th Street, Phoenix, Arizona 85024.

Congress is about to take its annual August vacation. "No person's life, liberty, property, or position as Speaker of the House is safe while this legislature is in session," noted House Speaker Newt Gingrich.

In the wake of the popularity of the movie Air Force One, the Baja Arizona Republican Party has started a "Draft Harrison Ford For President" campaign. "Get off my plane" is a great campaign slogan noted Tilly Thadwater, chairwoman of the BAGOP. Ford, when informed he was a potential candidate, commented "Can I have Glenn Close for my vice president?" Democrats are also courting Ford to be their candidate in the 2000 election. "It would be nice, for a change, to have a candidate who could kick ass instead of chase it," noted a local Demo leader.

Three residents of Yemen, a tiny little country south of Saudi Arabia, have sued NASA, claiming they inherited the planet Mars (which reportedly looks a lot like Yemen) from their ancestors. NASA officials are reported to have advised the claimants that if they own the planet, then they can jolly well go up there and kick the Pathfinder and Sojourner off the planet. What is unclear at press time is how did the Yemenies' ancestors leave Mars and travel to Earth since interplanetary camels had not yet been invented.

While Senator Fred Thompson struggles to find some dirt on the Democrats, we've got the skinny on how to raise money straight from Chicago.
How about a tax credit for pets?

Martians run over by alien invaders. More inside...

Toy sales of the Pathfinder and Sojourner Mars explorers have prompted suggestions that toy sales royalties could support the US space program. More...

There's lots more to this website.
"Why pay thousands of dollars for an education when all you really need is the diploma? General Delivery University will let you download the degree of your choice; from a law degree to a medical degree to a School of Hard Knocks certificate." from INTERNET UNDERGROUND April edition.

The Frumious Bandersnatch has been given a silver something award by the Ezine Movement. This award is handed out be members of the ezine movement, and is our first (and possibly last) award.
Copyright 1997 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company.
EMAIL US AT EDITOR with your comments, criticisms, and if you have any problems getting the page.
POSTED JULY 26, 1997. NEXT ISSUE AUGUST 3, 1997.

hits since February 1, 1997.