In this issue:More Than You Want To Know About Water Law in the West, Boomers Hit 50 , Lots of Jokes from the Web and more from Tucson and Baja Arizona.

SUBURBAN TOPS FOR MEXICAN COPS

Federale headquarters in places like Nogales, Sonora or Tijuana," explained an Arizona law enforcement official who requested anonymity. "They are one of the most frequently stolen vehicle along the US-Mexico border," he added, "but they are absolutely the official vehicle of the federales.

Suburbans are popular theft targets because they are so easily stolen. "Break the window, get inside, hit the ingnition with a hammer to break it, hit the steering column cover with a hammer to get inside, stick a screw driver in, and the vehicle is gone," the law enforcement official added. "It takes about 30 seconds."

Why General Motors did not rectify this problem for years, while thousands of Suburbans were being spirited into Mexico, remains a mystery. "Could be it increased their sales," the law enforcement official quipped. Pre-1992 models are the easiest to swipe.

Reports are wide-speard in US border cities of people stealing their suburbans back. "This works if you don't mind being shot at," the law enforcement official warned.

MOVIES: Dante's Peak : There are two measures of a good disaster movie--(a) how real is the disaster footage, and (b) how many chiches are included. Dante's Peak gets a "3" (on a scale of 1 to 10) for disaster scenes. When the town is wiped out by the pyroclastic flow, it is obviously a model. The most realistic destruction is of a bridge. Big deal. On the cliche side, the movie gets a 9. There was the frustrated government employee who forsaw the disaster, the stupid senior bureaucrat who stifled the hero, the lonely widow, two cute children, a stupid old person, and a dog. The greedy business swine was present, but got no lines. The stupid senior bureacrat is fittingly killed, the stupid old person nearly gets her family killed before redeeming herself by diving into an acid lake, and then dies a painful and horrible death. (Old people are always stupid in disaster flicks.) The cute kids and dog are saved, and the hero and the widow fall in love.

TELEVISION: Asteroids (NBC): This disaster should have been called "Hemorrhoids". Bad acting and they left out the family dog. And the stupid old person was saved. A "1" for both disaster scenes and cliches.

SOFTWARE: Microsoft FrontPage 97: We've used both FrontPage 96 and 97 to lay out this paper, and 97 is driving us into learning HTML. The biggest problem (for us) is that when we pull a page off the web, and rework it on 97, the program inserts a lot of crap back in that we keep taking out, like paragraph signs.

AUNTIE PATICO (our almost graduated high school correspondant) reviews Trainspotting.

One of the aspects of the Internet most widely cited as a reason to censor it is the easy availability of information such as "how to make a bomb". Therefore, we wanted to be the first satirical newspaper on the Web to provide that information:

How To Make a Bomb: Give $40 million to Dino De Laurentis, and wait 2 to 5 years.

Travel Report: Today our travellers visit an American HMO

Send any positive comments about this rag or suggestions for future stories to EDITOR
Negative stuff you can send direcly to your local landfill.

...AND THERE'S MORE LIKE THIS INSIDE

The Baby Boomers are turning 50. When are they going to grow up.

Every once in a while we like to be really pretentious, and offer a semi-serious analysis of some arcane subject so our readers won't feel too guilty about reading this e-rag. Today we elucidate you about Water Law in the West. We sort of guarantee that after you read this you can walk into any small town cafe or saloon in the region, start up a conversation with the locals, and maybe not get killed. They might even buy you a piece of pie or a beer.

Secretary of State Madeline Albright is still abroad. And around. And more.

And then we have 6 NO! we have 9 pages of some really funny stuff collected from the Web. And one of these days we're going to organize it by topics.

Microsoft Screws Tucson, Your Stars, Alice

PAST ISSUES:

FEBRUARY 15 TO MARCH 1, 1997: CONGRESS INDICTED FOR FRAUD

FEBRUARY 1 TO 15TH, 1997: 12 YEARS OF SUMMER FOR PHOENIX

JANUARY 15TH TO 30TH, 1997: ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA (look like cactus)

JANUARY 1 TO 15TH, 1997: GLOBAL WARMING TO MAKE YUMA A SEAPORT

DECEMBER 15 TO 30, 1996: LOWER SPEED TO 35 MPH TO SAVE BUGS

Copyright 1997 by Hugh Holub. All Rights Reserved, except you can reprint this on yellow paper and pass it around as long as we get credit and a link. Published by the Baja Arizona Publishing Company. For our Outrageous Corporate Policies see OUTRAGEOUS CORPORATE POLICIES. All names are fictitious except the real ones. And "frumious bandersnatch" comes from Alice in Wonderland and is not an obscene word. For more about the frumious bandersnatch.

This is what would be called the index page and leads the actual paper.We didn't called it the index page because we didn't know any better. The current edition will change every two weeks, and this page changes pretty much whenever we feel like it, which is more often.

We really would like some advertising.

PIECES OF JUNK EMAIL WE'VE GOTTEN TODAY SINCE WE STARTED LEAVING MESSAGES IN THE NEWSGROUPS.

One of these days, when we can figure out the banks to set up ecash, we are going to ask you for donations of 5 cents if you liked the paper, so we can at least pay our monthly host charges.