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Vol.2, No.12. March 22, 1998 to March 29, 1998--FREE and worth twice the price!


New Clinton Point Man to Put Full-Court Press on Starr

Through our own close contacts in the White House (one of us once dated someone who had been in the Little Rock McDonald's while Bill Clinton had a Big Mac orgy) we have obtained videotape of a rehearsal for an upcoming press conference. As the White House strives to regain the initiative in its battle for public opinion with Ken Starr it has decided to appoint basketball great Latrell Sprewell the new point man in its war on the Special Prosecutor.

We now quote the President from the tape:

"Today I announce a new cabinet position: Secretary of War against Ken Starr. It is my honor and privilege to appoint the recently vindicated Latrell Sprewell to this position. It is my belief that Mr. Sprewell embodies the values that this administration has defended for the average American, namely, standing up for one's rights, refusing to let go when your cause is just, and leaving only nail marks, never actual bruises.

"It is our belief that Judge Starr already has five fouls on him in this game, and that Latrell is just the man to draw the sixth. Mr. Sprewell is a young, vigorous man, reaching out to grab his goals, a hands-on man much like myself. When a victim of injustice, as I currently am while under attack by the vast right-wing conspiracy, Mr. Sprewell does not sit passively on the sidelines, but takes matters into his own hands, and doesn't let go until a group of strapping professional athletes forces him to. Even so, you know he'll be back later.

"Mr. Sprewell has offered to settle things up with Starr in a man-to-man fashion -- one-on-one, horse, rough, round-the-world, or whatever other way Starr chooses. Now let me have my appointee say a few words for himself."

[Sprewell speaks:]

"I know the pain President Clinton feels when his whole career, built up over years, is threatened because of a few brief minutes that occur every couple of weeks or so. It is my belief that every person, no matter what their job, should have a little time off each day where they can let down their guard and relax some. Say you're a policeman -- well then maybe between 5:00 and 5:30 you should be able to stomp any son-of-a-bitch you feel like stompin', although of course it shouldn't be racially motivated. Or if you're a basketball player, then tryin' to kill the coach at a practice is fine -- it's not like it's a game, or nothin'. Or if you're President, and you just got done with some tough negotiations with that Israeli dude, Netiyahoo, or whoever, you ought to be able to answer the booty call afterwards if you need to. And if Ken Starr don't agree with me, well, he's gonna feel the pressure, probably right around his jugular."

 

© 1998, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern


ONCE UPON A TIME

By Harry J. Herder, Jr.

What may seem like a long time ago to some of the assembled here in this nation there was a contest for the Presidency of our nation between a rather conservative Senator from Arizona named Goldwater, and a Democrat who had once been a Senator from Texas and who, more recently, had been the Vice President. He had been made President by the demise of the man who held the office. For those of us who remember those days, the campaign reached some heights of one kind and another. The incumbent, the Democrat, quickly realized the standings and backed away from everything except an occasional joke tossed off in the direction of his very conservative opponent.

It turned out that Lyndon Baines Johnson not only won that election, he literally wiped out his opponent Barry Goldwater. It was embarrassing to those in the conservative camp: Johnson achieving victory, while virtually ignoring his opponent. The conservatives were driven quietly into a corner where they were allowed to lick their wounds and set up a recovery program.

There was in a suburb of Chicago in those days a young lady who worked ardently for the Goldwater campaign. She was an intelligent young lady, and, if memory serves me properly was in her late years of high school. Having had these past years to study the deportment and attitudes of that lady, it becomes evident how much she was hurt by the loss of her favorite. One can picture her swearing to settle the score some day. She sat back and bided her time, but she would never forgive the liberals for what they did to her man. She would get even.

Being more than able academically, she made her way through school, through college, through the law school at the Fool Factory, and while there, found the instrument that would serve her in avenging the conservative defeat. She was just a bit on the plain side when it came to attractiveness so she played her cards carefully, pretending not to care about looks, pretending looks were not important in the whole scheme. She set her sights on a target, and she won. The target proposed to her and she married him. Then she became even cleverer,

Her intelligence carried the day. Her collected husband had all of the thespian-like talents that were needed to hoodwink any population into electing him to various and sundry positions. The one step taken which was a loss made her change some of her tactics, but she was successful, and the situation was righted and continued. She promoted the natural talents of her mate, and success piled upon success. The man was eventually elected to be the President of our nation.

It was a part of her plan from the beginning. She was now in a position to bring her whole scheme to a climax. She led her beguiling husband down another primrose path, holding a sword over his head, the sword of displaying what the husband truly was, and dumping him on the trash heap of history. She wanted more than the destruction of one man. That man was attempting to destroy himself, and she had to keep that from happening because her plan went beyond that simple achievement.

Bit by bit, she contributed to the picture her husband was painting of himself for history, always on the alert to keep events from coming to a premature head. Publicly forgiving her husband for any number of peccadilloes that she honestly didn’t give a hoot about. She played the role of the aggrieved wife, quietly and with enough pathos to gather in a large collection of sympathizers. She needed do nothing to encourage her husband to act as foolishly, as stupidly, as he did. That part of it came naturally. She need only spectate.

As she knew it would, the activities of her husband attracted a great deal of negative attention, and she assisted him in organizing a clan for the protection of his glorious self. She did it by over organizing that clan. Inducing that clan to overachieve in their protective efforts.

This is where we are at the moment. The members of the media about to lead the population into the full realization of what the liberals as deceived by WJC collectively are up to. She has forced our eyes to all of the desires of those liberals of our nation and exposed them for what they are.

Hillary is on the verge of success. When the media has finished with her husband, when the Congress tops that achievement off, when her husband departs his place in society in shame and humiliation, she will have won. She will have set the Democratic Party and their liberal strength back for a long time. She will have accomplished her goal from all of those years ago, she will have destroyed the efforts of the liberal faction of our nation for some time to come.

Hillary Rodham Clinton is about to reach her goal set all those years ago when the liberals so decisively embarrassed her Barry Goldwater. She is about to destroy the liberals.

Gloriosky!!! Way to go, Hillary.


Clinton Banned From Amway Convention

President Bill Clinton was asked to not attend this year's Amway convention.

"Attending the Amway gathering was one of the highlights of Bill's year," explained Stan Goldblatt, White House spokesman. "He's attended the last 12 of those things."

Officials at Amway refused to comment on the record why they rescinded their invitation to the President, but rumor has it there was serious concern about the large number of women with big hair that attend the Amway event.


EVERYTHING YOU WERE AFRAID TO KNOW ABOUT THE CLINTON SEX SCANDAL


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September 26, 1997

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