BLAME IT ON EL NINO

Heartbreak of Psoriasis? Blame it on El Niño If you're experiencing a new outbreak of the heartbreak of psoriasis; if you've been diagnosed with a chronic case of Dutch Elm disease; if even GDU won't send you a diploma; if your daughter has just announced she's going to pierce her body in places you didn't even know there were places and run off to join a group of pygmy goatherds, blame it on El Niño.

That's right folks, El Niño (translation "the Nino") is now upon us, threatening unprecedented awful winter weather (well, just look at what happened to Denver yesterday!) ... and more disaster than the Four Horsemen (of the Apocalypse fame, not Notre Dame) ... is the reason the world as you knew it yesterday or the day before is now just falling apart to lay at your feet in dismal crumbles.

There you were, laying in your hammock sipping the suds, blissfully unaware of Mother Nature's evil little one. As you were contemplating mowing the grass since its now-famous height of 8½ feet hadn't let the sun in for days, your tan wad fading, were you aware you'd have to face the whammy of El Niño. Of course not!

Then, all of a sudden, long about the time of the Equinox (also caused by El Niño), you started to notice the days getting cooler and shorter. Well, folks, that's El Niño! See how that lushly tendered lawn is now turning brown and leaves, no longer green, but a strange combination of orange or yellow or brown, are falling off the trees. Yep! El Niño again!

Janet Reno wants to take on the richest company in the world for a so-called monopoly? Old Newt doesn't realize that the extra take-home he's going to see in his pay envelope is a raise? School boards across the country contemplating teaching the Bible as "history"??? You got it! El Niño! It's insidious, it's creeping in there ... just look at what's happening!

Temperatures all across the country are dropping; there is snow in Denver, rain in the Pacific northwest, and winds across the Great Plains. Madison Avenue ad agencies are coming up with new ways to insult our intelligence; stiletto heels are back in fashion threatening to cripple a whole new generation of young women; your pubescent son is caught trying to peek in the girls' locker room; and the Braves lost the pennant.

The Supremes are coming up with new ways to interpret old laws and old ways to interpret new ones; the president is forgetting videotapes of pleasant little coffeeklatches; and Al Gore is, for the most part, going unnoticed and unknown (Al Who? Isn't he that drummer for the Mutant Toenails?). And the reason is .... El Niño!

Scientists say there is nothing to be done but to wait for it to pass, which should be some time in the future, and understand that the next thing that happens is no doubt the fault of El Niño. --

Copyright 1997 Serenata

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