Professor Keith Richards (Chair of the Department)

Associate Professors F. Lee Bailey, Joseph Hazelwood

Assistant Professors Rodney King, Ed McMahon

Adjunct Faculty: Hunter S. Thompson

Degrees Offered: Diploma of Universal Inebriation

The Department of Drinking represents a formalization of the long relationship between alcohol and higher education. In an era of declining university enrollments and increasing emphasis on personally relevant curricula, this department serves a valuable purpose by giving students what most of them wanted out of college in the first place.

Students in the Department of Drinking receive the Diploma of Universal Inebriation, or DUI, in addition to whatever degree they are nominally pursuing. Each DUI program is individually designed in conjunction with the student’s advisor, and requires a minimum of 24 cr, or at least three hours a week spent getting blotto for the duration of the student’s undergraduate degree. It has been our experience that most college students meet this requirement with or without a formal course of study; indeed, many seem to value earning their DUI over their major degree.

While our department is small, the influence of our graduates is widespread; on any weekend evening one may turn on the news to find out about the activities of DUI’s. Many DUI’s have found government employment in challenging fields of license-plate manufacturing and road repair as well as the more traditional professions of politics, law, and education. Our alumni are characterized by their devotion to their discipline; not only have many gone on to graduate study at such prestigious party schools as West Virginia University and Florida State, but they are frequently found anywhere alcoholic beverages are sold, continuing their independent study.

Drinking courses

DR 101, Introduction to Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Corequisite: DR 101-L

Introductory course in directed drinking, intended primarily for freshmen escaping parental supervision for the first time. The four basic food groups (Budweiser, Miller, Heineken, and Coors) are investigated and compared. The physiology of beer, including bladder control, projectile vomiting. Staff.

DR 101-L, Introduction to Beer-Lab, 1 cr, 3 lab hrs

KEGGER!!! May be repeated for credit Staff.

DR 235, Drinking and the Environment, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Survey of the ecological effects of getting ’faced. Drinking and seamanship: When should a supertanker captain say "when"? Fraternity initiation binge drinking as social Darwinism. Alcohol and petroleum depletion, with special attention to the amount of inebriation necessary to make driving through downtown LA at 115 MPH seem like a good idea. Hazelwood, King.

DR 301, Intermediate Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Corequisite: DR 301-L

A practical examination of the ethos of beer drinking. Drinking games as means of speeding intoxication, with special attention to Quarters, Shotgunning, and Hi Bob. Beer economics: six-packs, cases, or kegs? A sociological examination of the role of beer in Southwestern culture: Longnecks and rednecks. Staff.

DR 301-L, Intermediate Beer-Lab, 1 cr, 3 lab hrs

To-GA! To-GA! To-GA!... May be repeated for credit Staff.

DR 325, Aesthetics of Alcohol, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Why does the world look better through the bottom of a booze bottle? The role of liquor in allowing dull, ugly people to get dates is discussed. Why bad bar bands prefer to wait until the audience is half in the bag to begin playing. Includes an in-depth analysis of country music. Richards.

DR 334, Philosophy of Beer, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

The great questions of Western civilization as relates to getting snockered. Why is American beer like making love on the beach? Did the genesis of light beer literally involve incontinent goats? Can any man truly own beer, or does one merely rent it? What is truth when you are trying to buy beer with fake ID? Bailey.

DR 407, Ethanolpolitik, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

Case studies of the role of alcohol in international government. The effect of vodka on pre- and post-communist Russian economic chaos. The importance of slivovitz (plum brandy) in the political stability of the Balkans. The course concludes with a detailed examination of 20th century French military history. Thompson.

DR 410, Gastromusicology, 3 cr, 3 cl hrs

The art of the belch. Practical performance technique is emphasized; students are given private instruction to help develop timbre, endurance, and pitch. The methods of the masters are studied, with special attention to the early works of Belushi. In addition to a class concert, each student is required to give a solo recital; this recital must include one classical piece, one contemporary piece, and one selection from the compositions of Gilbert and Sullivan. McMahon

DR 499, Distinguished Speakers Series, 1 cr, 1 cl hrs

Lecture series featuring recognized experts in the field of alcohol absorption. Previous speakers have included Boris Yeltsin (honorary degree recipient), numerous members of the Kennedy family, and David Crosby’s original liver. To be announced.

Copyright 1998 By Jonathan Bernick