BAGHDAD: In a move that caught the entire world by surprise, Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein committed suicide today.

In a note delivered to Arab satellite tv channel Al Jazeera, Hussein admitted he was a worthless pile of camel dung, admitted killing tens of thousands of his countrymen and women, and prayed that Allah would forgive him for his sins.

US troops in Baghdad initially considered the suicide report as another trick, but the massive celebration that broke out in the Iraq capital city convinced coalition forces the news was true.

BIN LADEN SURRENDERS TO NEW YORK POLICE

NEW YORK: To the shock and amazement of US authorities, Osama bin Laden walked into the 27th Precinct of the New York City Police Department, and surrendered.

Bin Laden, who is accused of killing nearly 3,000 New Yorkers in the attack on the World Trade Center, just walked in the door and turned himself in.

"We got this ratty looking guy with a beard saying he's bin Laden and wants to pay for his crimes," said Captain Joe Rizzoli, NYPD public information officer, "and we think maybe this is just a deranged street person. Like we've already  maybe 30 guys claim they were bin Laden."

After throwing the claimed bin Laden in the holding tank, NYPD officials called the FBI to check out the claim.

"The feds, they've been a royal pain in the butt, so we call them to check the guy out so they will waste their time," said Rizzoli. "And to everyone's surprise, the guy's the real thing."

Bin Laden reportedly admitted to having experienced a visitation from the spirit of the Prophet Mohammed who told bin Laden he had incorrectly interpreted to Koran and would spend eternity in a hell run by American lesbians if he did not admit he was wrong and accept the just punishment he is due.

President George Bush immediately took credit for the apprehension of bin Laden and requested another $42 billion dollars to protect Americans from terrorists who sell bongs over the internet.

NORTH KOREA AND SOUTH KOREA ANNOUNCE MERGER

PYNOGYANG: North Korea and South Korea announced today they the two countries would merge effective today, and just be "Korea".

All hostilities immediately ceased between the two former enemies, and the newly merged Korea announced it would cease development of nuclear weapons, and instead produce atomic powered Kia automobiles.

BUSH REPENTS, CONVERTS TO DEMOCRAT

WASHINGTON: George W. Bush woke up this morning realizing his entire life to date had been an enormous mistake, and converted to the Democratic Party.

"Viewing the future of America as being tied to the greedy capitalistic swine that I grew up with in Texas just didn't feel right any more," Bush said, "so I'm gonna be a died in the wool Texas populist."

Bush immediately asked Dick Cheney to resign as Vice President and appointed Jim Hightower to replace him as Veep.

CONGRESS ABOLISHES PERSONAL FEDERAL INCOME TAX

WASHINGTON: In an unprecedented show of bipartisanship, both the US House and senate today abolished the federal income tax for individuals.

"We realized we could run the federal government by eliminating every loophole we created in the tax code for corporations," said Senator John McCain, R-Arizona.

The news that the personal income tax would be abolished effective April 15th triggered a 500 point decline in the Dow Jones average, and a massive rush to shopping malls throughout America.

HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES ANNOUNCE UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE FOR $100 A MONTH

NEW YORK: The nation's leading health insurance companies announced today that they would divide up the population of the US and insure everyone for a premium of $100 per month.

"If we can get $100 a month from the 280 million people living in the country, everyone will have health care," said Arnold Flenk, CEO of HealthRip.

Republican leaders in the US House immediately questioned the legality of the move, claiming it was wrong to cover poor people so they would live longer and consume more welfare.

US AUTOMAKERS INTRODUCE NEW FUEL CELL CAR THAT WILL SELL FOR $3,000

DETROIT: Facing the prospect of global warming and continued reliance on politically incorrect oil supplies, the 3 major US automakers unveiled a new car that runs on a hydrogen fuel cell and will retail for $3,000.

"We figure the new car will replace every car on the road today very quickly," said Axel Ford, President of Ford Motor Company. "And as a result we'll make lots of money, the air will be cleaner, and everyone will be able to drive a safe car.

Ralph Nader immediately criticized the automakers for the announcement. "I knew they could do this all along," Nader said. A lawsuit will be filed shortly.