GLOBAL WARMING TO BRING ON RETURN OF DINOSAURS

Recent studies have indicated that global warming will trigger vast biological changes around the planet, scientists at the General Delivery University announced yesterday.

"The increase in carbon dioxide will speed up the growth of plants, and jungles will expand all over the place," said Dr. Andre Carne, head of the GDU College of Fossil Sales.

"The animal life will have to adapt to the much warmer environment," Dr. Carne added, "resulting in significant changes."

"The planet will revert to a condition much like it was over 300 million years ago," Dr. Carne said.

"We speculate that the ultimate effect of global warming will be the return of the dinosaurs," he added.

The return of the dinosaurs is predicated upon the relationship of much larger plants, fueled by higher carbon dioxide levels, and increased sizes of animal life.

"Lizards will keep getting bigger and bigger and pretty soon they'll be huge," said Dr. Carne. "Birds may re-evolve backwards into their predecessor creatures," he added.

Other scientists discounted the GDU theory of dinosaur return. "Nonsense," said Dr. Henry Henner at the Idaho School of Ancient Rocks. "What we're going to see is the evolution of extremely large insects."

Meanwhile, representatives at the 44th annual "What Are We Going To Do About Global Warming Conference" in Oslo continued to debate the economic impacts of the looming climate change. Oil producing nations want economic assistance in the event oil consumption is reduced to slow down the advent of global warming. Oil consuming nations countered that the revival of dinosaurs will simply replenish the world's oil supply, eventually.

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON SEA LEVEL RISE

TUCSON: Scientists at the General Delivery University announced today that the cause of global warming is a rise in world sea levels.

"We have been studying the correlation between biological or climate zones and elevation," said Dr. Hiram Salase, head of the GDU College of Irrelevant Subjects, "and we noticed that around Baja Arizona the pine forests were 1,000 feet lower 10,000 years ago than they are today."

The GDU study also noticed that other Arizona climate zones were lower in elevation than in modern times.

The discovery was based on studying pack rat middens.

"The pack rats would build a midden or nest, and for thousands of generations they'd use the same nest," said Salase. "The nests were huge, and consisted of layer upon layer of stuff cemented together with pack rat urine and feces. What we discovered was that 10,000 years ago the pack rats were eating pine cone seeds, and as time passed, their food shifted to oak nuts, and then to mesquite beans."

This meant that the pine trees had disappeared, to be replaced first by a lower elevation oak forest, and then by an even lower elevation mesquite forest.

The conclusion reached by GDU scientists was that the site had originally been nearly 6,000 feet above sea level, but was now only 5,000 feet above sea level.

"The change in elevation occurred over just 10,000 years, so it wasn't caused by the land rising through geological forces," Dr. Salase explained.

The GDU scientists then studied adjacent coast lines, and found that the ocean had risen nearly 1,000 feet over the same period of time.

"Actually, the fact that sea levels were lower at the end of the Ice Age is a pretty well accepted fact," said Dr. Salase, "you know, like the Bering Straight was a land connection to Asia, and all that."

What that meant was land elevations were 1,000 feet higher back then.

"There is also a well accepted fact, at least in Arizona, that the lower the elevation, the hotter it is," Dr. Salase added. "Tucson, for example, is at 2,500 feet above today's sea level. Phoenix is only 1,500 feet above sea level, and it is hotter there."

If sea levels continue to rise, say another 1,000 feet, then Tucson would only be 1,500 feet above sea level, and thus would get hotter. "Phoenix would only be 500 feet above sea level, and would probably be uninhabitable," noted Dr. Salase, smiling.

"It is also clear that it is getting hotter, so it is obvious that sea levels are continuing to rise," concluded Dr. Salase.

Thus, according to the GDU research team, the way to prevent global warming is to stop sea levels from rising.