When it comes to ending a long-term relationship, there are no easy answers. But remember this ... the only "friendly" divorce that ever occurred happened between Morgan and Alana Dorkenson, and that after being unhappily married and battling for over 25 years straight. Alana took a shine to the man who drove the bakery truck and was getting bread at the door, and Morgan fell in love with a Dodge Dakota. They both decided life would be better without each other and happily negotiated a "friendly divorce" to hurry the process along.
Friends and neighbors said it was the first time they'd spoken to each other in over 15 years without the equivalent of a lethal weapon in their hands, so it just might have been.
It seems that the longer you're married, the more "stuff" you collect. And the more stuff you collect, the harder it is to split up. In older times, a wife could take her husband's saddle and clothing out, dump them in the front of the house and say three times, "I divorce you,", and voila! instant split. She got the house, the kids, the car, and he got his saddle and clothing, unless she saw fit to also light a fire under them and/or him, which led to a whole different set of problems. In modern times she throws his cowboy shirts out into the driveway.
If one of the other (or both) of the parties has a replacement waiting in the wings, it is only slightly easier to split up, depending on the eagerness to forget auld acquaintance and get on with the new. Still, it is best to remember there will be disagreements about all that stuff. The rules regarding formally ending a relationship and splitting up the stuff are below.
Rule No. 1. The "winner" gets the most stuff. It doesn't matter that one doesn't need or even want something, if the other party does ... it becomes a relevant item, and determining the ultimate owner becomes a major source of income for the attorneys involved.
Rule No. 2. It doubles in value if the other side gets it; and it's only worth half what the other side says it is if you get it.
Rule No. 3. Get the meanest and nastiest lawyer.
Rule No. 4. The meaner and nastier the lawyer, the more it will cost.
Rule No. 5. Don't be nice. The other side might take it as weakness and apply Rule No. 6 below.
Rule No. 6. Go for the jugular at the first sign of weakness.
Rule No. 7. Treat any fond memories or a kind thought about the other party as a momentary lapse or temporary insanity. Under NO circumstances should you be civil.
Rule No. 8. Do not think for a moment that your selection of that person as a spouse is a reflection on your own taste. Lie about it and say you were coerced into the liaison.
Rule No. 9. If you cannot think of at least 10 different faults or slights, real or imaginary, for every single year you were married, you are not giving this your best effort.
Rule No. 10. Forget that that you are in a "no fault" divorce state, if you can't bring up at least half those faults during the course of the action, you are woefully inattentive.
Rule No. 11. Remember every sore or tender spot of the other spouse. Do not merely nudge them, really hit home where it hurts. Extra points are given for involving all your friends and making them choose sides.
When this is done, when you've made everyone but yourselves richer for the efforts, then, and only then, can you take a breath and begin to wonder, "If only ..."
Copyright 1997 by Serenata
