122 degrees


The reason why Arizona is littered with the ruins of ancient Indian cities was solved last week. "Over 1,000 years ago the Hohokam Indians built a giant city where Phoenix is located now," explained Dr. Greg Atlatel, General Delivery University archeologist. "Then the Hohokam abandoned their city. We never understood why until last week."
"Hohokam" means "those who vanished".
ancient indian ruin
Thousands of tiny broken cardinals and sun devils were discovered in the ruins

North American's ancient Indians competed against each other in several sports, explained the GDU expert. "The sports teams from ancient Phoenix were so bad that the entire population just moved away to avoid further humiliation."

Phil the Groundhog in happier times

Phil the groundhog in happier times

PHOENIX: Phoenix Phil, Arizona's official groundhog, was buried alive beneath a recently constructed K Mart parking lot. Therefore, he did not appear on Groundhog Day and forecast the weather by looking for his shadow. "That groundhog, he was a gonner," explained Joe "Tent City" Arpeeoo, Maricopa County Sheriff.

"There is no precedent for the groundhog not showing up," said Arizona State Senator John Dumbreak, "so we don't know what this means for sure." Dumbreak introduced legislation to designate Randy the Rattlesnake as the official February 2nd weather prognosticator for Arizona. The legislation was passed in emergency session. "Problem is, rattlesnakes ain't got no shadow,"noted Arpeeoo.

Baja Arizona neo-luddites were thrilled at the news that Phoenix's groundhog ended up beneath six inches of asphalt. "Maybe, in retribution, God will punish their progress-mad leaders and bury Phoenix under 3,000 feet of snow," commented Ned Ludlight, local luddite leader. "More likely they'll end up with 12 more years of summer," quipped Joe Sam.

Frightened Phoenix Chamber of Commerce officials frantically dug in the parking lot until well after dawn on the 2nd, hoping that the groundhog could be found. K Mart officials were not amused at having their parking lot torn up. "Using a rattlesnake as our February 2nd weather critter doesn't send the right message out about Arizona" explained Sonja Sellem, with the Phoenix Chamber. The rattlesnake appeared at dawn, and bit a television news anchor on the ankle. Film at 10.

Memorial services for Phil were held in the parking lot.

SCENIC VIEWS IN PHOENIX Then click on "cameras" and then pick the Phoenix freeway view of your choice.

PHOENIX: UFO's were sited over Phoenix Friday night. The possible flying saucers were reported throughout the city. Many claimed the saucer was as big as a football field, according to the Arizona Republic.This was just the most recent in a series of saucer sitings in Arizona. In March saucers were seen all over the state. Earlier this year it was discovered that aliens had previously invaded Arizona.

"There is the potential this could have been a prank," noted Joe Sam. Mr. Sam, and other members of the Bandersnatch staff, we caught launching an "unidentified flying laundry bag" at the University of Arizona in the early 1960's. "Fill up a big laundry bag with helium, and hang a lantern from it, and it looks just like a UFO," Sam admitted.

The real question, is that if intelligent life from another planet were visiting earth, why would they choose Phoenix?

One popular theory for the sudden increase in UFO activity over Phoenix is the coincidence of the start of the trial of Governor Fife Symington. "Maybe space aliens stole all of the Governor's campaign financial records," commented one prosecutor.

never thought of it that way What is one of the earth's scenic wonders is in fact a long term problem for the state of Arizona. Relentlessly the Colorado River has been gnawing away at the state, chewing a giant hole in it, and depositing the remnants of Arizona into the Gulf of California.

"While the giant dams on the Colorado have lately come under attack from environmentalists," noted Jerry Lobot, head of the local militia, "they did reduce the rate of erosion and thus extended the future of the state."

However, now federal officials want to mimic annual spring floods and thus increase the erosion rate.

"Since Arizona is notorious for all of its right wing extremists, increasing the rate of destruction of the state might not be a coincidence," Lobot added.

And you thought the Grand Canyon was just another pretty place...

The latest population estimates show that Phoenix has inched past San Diego as America's 6th largest city--by about one-tenth of 1 percent. Ironically, on any given day, there are at least 140,000 Phoenicians in San Diego escaping the brutal Arizona heat. "If the Phoenicians visiting in San Diego were counted as San Diego's population, we'd still be 6th," noted a spokesperson for San Diego Mayor Susan Golding.

Phoenix Mayor Skip Rimza was unavailable for comment, as he was visiting San Diego.

The Frumious Bandersnatch has learned what the UFO's that have been sighted over Phoenix really are.

We stumbled across an encampment of aliens just outside Phoenix, and interviewed one of the aliens.

Alien:"We're looking for a place to retire, and we heard Phoenix was a good place to live if you're old."

The alien space ships, when viewed up close, resemble Winnebegos, with little stickers on the side that read "Mars", "Jupiter" and "Aldeberan3".