General Information About The

General Delivery University

INTRODUCTION

"The goal of the General Delivery University is to provide the opportunity for the acquisition of the appearance of a comprehensive education and semi-useful skills, without the necessity of wasting a lot of time attending boring classes, and without the exorbitant cost of tuition."

--"General" Bill Delivery, Founder and President

From little more than a post office box and a large supply of fill-in-the-blank diplomas which could be purchased by students and politicians for modest fees, the General Delivery University has grown into an institution of arts, science, letters, and an extensive line of consumer goods.

The General Delivery University is proud of its record as an institution of affordable education whose diplomas are available to almost anyone. There is only one simple requirement to obtain a diploma from the GDU--cash (or a reasonable equivalent thereof). However, for a limited time, the GDU is offering FREE COLLEGE DIPLOMAS. You can fill in your name and the degree you want. Visit the MAIN CAMPUS to find out how to get your free college diploma.

Students wishing to attain the status associated with the ability to hang a college diploma on their office wall can simply pay for the diploma (frame extra).

GENERAL REGULATIONS

Age: Applicants for diplomas must have an age.

Character: All GDU graduates must be of or have character, and are required to furnish proof thereof upon request. Such proof may include a major bank credit card. Character is synonymous with existence and access to money.

Adminission Test:It is suggested you take our SCHOLASTIC INEPTITUDE TEST to determine whether you should go to a real university, or just buy one of our diplomas.

Equal Opportunity: The General Delivery University is committed to providing equal educational opportunity for all qualified students. "Qualified" for purposes of obtaining a diploma means anyone who can afford the purchase price of the diploma.

Time for Application for a Diploma: Applications must be received.

Use and Conduct Upon General Delivery University Property: The grounds and properties of the General Delivery University and all of its subsidiary and interlocking corporations and limited liability companies are owned for the use and benefit of those corporations and limited liability companies. Such properties are devoted to and maintained for the sovereign function of supplying art work and related goods and earning a reasonable rate of return on the common equity of the stock and real estate. As such these properties are not places of unrestricted public access and are in fact private property with all the right and privileges associated with private property. This is why the campus of the GDU is posted with "No Trespassing" signs.

Access to the GDU campus by students and alumni is actively discouraged.

Non-residents, Aliens: The General Delivery University does not discriminate against out-of-state students, as do most state-owned institutions of higher education. Regarding aliens, in the event an applicant for a diploma is not a resident of the Planet Earth, GDU would like to be advised of this fact as there are big bucks to be made selling the exclusive rights to your story to tabloid television shows and placing your spaceship in the GDU Museum of Natural History. Diploma fees will be waived to any student who can prove they are Elvis Presley.

Required Educational Requirements: Unlike virtually all institutions of higher education, the General Delivery University has no academic requirements for admission. We believe that if a student can afford a diploma, they should not be denied the art work associated with a higher education. That being said, the General Delivery University reserves the right to require applicants for professional diplomas to submit an affidavit establishing special qualifications for that particular diploma. Such special qualifications include:

B.A. in Architecture: Proof of abominably bad taste and a total disregard for human comfort.

J.D. in Law: Demonstrate an ability to charge $300 per hour without snickering.

SPECIAL NOTICE: GDU does not award diplomas in medicine on the chance that some hospital would grant a person with a diploma from GDU the right to perform surgery.

Financial Assistance: The GDU-owned Loan Shark Bank will provide financial assistance at the rate of 25% interest monthly, secured by stocks, bonds, real estate, gold, silver or a part of the borrower's anatomy. GDU has a zero default rate on its loans.

Scholarships: Free diplomas are available to Members of Congress, upon request.

THE SLIGHTLY TRUE STORY OF THE FOUNDING OF THE GENERAL DELIVERY UNIVERSITY

The driving force behind the growth and success of General Delivery University has been "General" William "Bill" Delivery. In the early 1980's the State of Arizona was attempting to regulate what were called "diploma mills". Delivery printed up his first "Catalog of Course Materials" and diplomas for the General Delivery University and conferred GDU diplomas on members of the Arizona State Legislature as a joke. When requests for additional diplomas started coming in from friends of legislators, Delivery recognized he was onto something, and started selling GDU diplomas statewide. Unconfirmed reports indicate that GDU diplomas can still be found on the walls of otherwise highly respected people at the State Capitol.

After repeated investigations, it was determined that General Delivery University had no substance whatsoever, but it did not violate laws against "diploma mills" because there was no misrepresentation of what GDU actually was. "GDU is possibly the only legitimate diploma mill in the country," said one authority, "because anyone who reads the diploma will know that it wasn't issued by an academically accredited institution."

"Anyone who would hire someone based on who issued their college diploma ought to have their head examined," noted Delivery. "Then again, I've had one of my diplomas on my office wall for years, and no one has ever read it," added General Delivery. It should be noted that the title "General" was not conferred upon Delivery by any recognized military authority. It is a Southern tradition to be nicknamed

"Captain" or "Colonel", and Delivery got the title "General" after coaching a youth football team in Southern Arizona and yelling "charge" once too often.

PHILOSOPHY OF GDU

Since all respected institutions of higher education operate under a "philosophy" of one sort or another, the General Delivery University has its own philosophy of higher education called the Simulacrum.

The essence of the philosophy is that nothing is what it seems to be, hence the use of the latin word "simulacrum" which means "mere semblance". GDU is obviously a mere semblance of a university.

Unfortunately, the actual document entitled The Simulacrum was quickly lost after it was drafted. "A good philosophy has to be difficult to grasp," Delivery added. "And there is no way anyone can lay hands on The Simulacrum." Discussion and explanations of The Simulacrum are based on Delivery's increasingly vague memory of the contents of the document. "Sort of like the shadows in Plato's cave," he offered. "Reality is what one believes, and someone else agrees with," Delivery pontificated. "If I say GDU is a university, and someone else buys one of my diplomas, who can say GDU is not real."

Delivery believes that everyone ought to have a college diploma. "Everyone is good at something, and they ought to have a diploma to show that," Delivery explained. "Egalitarianism is one of the more interesting concepts in America, and one could consider the General Delivery University as an expression of the fundamental right of everyone to have a diploma to hang on their walls." Whether a diploma from the GDU has the same value as, and thus is equal to a diploma from Harvard is, according to Delivery "an ontological question."

EDUCATIONAL THEORY AND PRACTICE

"At some point in adult life people quit asking where you went to school and what your grade point average was, and start paying attention to what you can do," Delivery offered. "Successful passage through our education system is mostly a process of avoiding getting beat up by the playground bully, avoiding getting caught, passing tests, learning how to stand in lines, and showing up on time to class," Delivery went on. "Some of these skills are useful in adult life, especially the standing in line part. But what most people really are isn't a function of where they went to school or how well they did on tests. It is what they believed themselves capable of being."

Delivery believes that true knowledge that is needed to function in life can be printed on tee shirts. For example, "If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will." Or "Never trust someone whose office doesn't have a window."

As part of its effort to "educate" the people of America, GDU offers a line of tee shirts and other products with the essential wisdom of life as interpreted by General Delivery printed on them.

"If there is one ultimate truth," Delivery concluded, "it is that nothing is really learned unless you have to pay for it....either in sweat, blood, tears, or cash." GDU, and its tee shirts and other products, offers the cash alternative.

Every university has a mascot, and GDU is no exception.

The GDU mascot is the Automated Teller Machine (ATM).

Tee shirts, sweat shirts and caps with the GDU ATM on them are available from GDU branch campuses and by mail order.

ATHLETIC PROGRAMS

GDU has no conventional competitive athletic programs and no sports facilities. However, in the event various pool table games become an Olympic sport, GDU will doubtless provide an excellent chance to represent the United States in such competition.

Tee shirts, sweat shirts and caps emblazoned with "I was a member of the GDU 8 Ball Team" are for sale.

GDU SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA AND MARCHING BAND

Notwithstanding the lack of any events to perform at, or a concert hall to perform in, GDU nevertheless has its famous Kazoo Symphony Orchestra and Marching Band. You can become an official member of this internationally infamous musical group by purchasing an Official GDU Kazoo, or a GDU Kazoo Symphony Orchestra and Marching Band tee shirt.

GDU ALUMNI ASSOCIATION

Upon receiving your diploma from the General Delivery University, you are automatically deemed a member of the GDU Alumni Association. However, to obtain the advantages of membership in the GDU Alumni Association (such as offers of cheap cruises, life insurance, and an occasional magazine extolling the virtues of our institution and the need to contribute money to it) you must register as a GDU Alumni. We, of course, reserve the right to sell your name and address to anyone willing to pay for your name to add to their mailing list, so expect to get some pretty strange stuff in the mail.

GDU COLORS

General Delivery is overly fond of green, so green is obviously one of GDU's official colors. However, any color the customer likes will do. Therefore GDU has at least 256 different colors (the number of colors GDU's color printer can print) which may increase to several million (with the planned purchase of a new color printer).

STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Founded in 1965, the frumious bandersnatch is now on the World Wide Web at http://www.bandersnatch.com.The frumious bandersnatch is one of America's finest examples of yellow journalism.

STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS

Evidence of an interest in extra-curricular activities is useful at times.

A Certificate of Membership in each of these organizations is available for $9.95 per organization plus shipping and handling and any applicable state sales tax.

BETA PHI DELTA: The largest known greek letter organization in America, BFD is famous for having demolished its fraternity house in 1965 during its last official party (true story). Membership is granted by an "active" affixing a bottle cap to a shirt or blouse. When the bottle cap falls off, that person is now an "active" with the right of pledging new members. BFD is, not coincidentally, coeducational.

RHO RHO RHO: This fraternal organization is open to people interested in competitive rowing. Please note that the GDU campus is located in the middle of the Sonoran Desert and the nearest open water is 300 miles away.

DELTA DELTA TAU: Another career-oriented group for those planning to become exterminators.

DRUID STUDENT CENTRE: Druids celebrate all pre-Christian holidays with vast quantities of mead. The former Druid Student Centre in Tucson has been declared a national historical site (1189 East Speedway in case anyone wants to check this out).

FACILITIES

Due to the recent purchase of a small building, the General Delivery University actually has a campus, located in Tucson, Arizona. Facilities include a library with over 2,000 works of Science Fiction, a computer, and a nuclear reactor which operates at an average power level of 100 kw that was purchased at as U.S. Government surplus auction.

The campus also includes a 50' x 50' foot agricultural experimental station whose primary research activities are in the cultivation of urban noxious weeds.

Presently under construction is a Natural History Museum near Interstate 10 which will feature a piece of a Soviet spy satellite that recently crashed into Canada, and fantastic bargains on GDU tee shirts.

On-campus attendance is thoroughly discouraged as no classroom facilities have been constructed, or are contemplated.

General Delivery University is in the process of establishing branch campuses in bookstores all across the nation.

GDU FACULTY

If any of the people who have contributed to the educational content of GDU materials have academic credentials, GDU didn't bother to ask. Members of the GDU Faculty are selected by the market potential of their contributions and their willingness to submit their contributions on a commission or royalty basis, with no cash up-front or guaranteed minimum wages. Since many of our faculty may actually have positions of responsibility and value their reputations, the names of our faculty are confidential, proprietary information.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned, membership on the GDU Faculty can be purchased by either buying an Official GDU Faculty Member certificate, tee shirt or other product.

COURSE OFFERINGS

In order to appear somewhat legitimate, the General Delivery University has developed a Catalog of Course Materials that we think a university ought to offer its students. In fact, none of these courses are currently available at the GDU.

Our theory, for whatever it is worth, is that if you find these Course Offerings funny, then you know enough about the subject matter to not have to take the course. The GDU Faculty is exploring the potential of actually preparing Course Materials in some instances, where it would appear there is sufficient potential to actually sell them.

The current Catalog of Course Offerings is organized by College and Department, with several Institutes and other specialized programs listed. This should not be construed to mean that such Colleges and Departments, etc., actually exist. Unlike other institutions of higher education which offer courses in their catalogs, only to cancel them due to budget constraints when students attempt to register for them, GDU admits it doesn't offer the courses listed.

GDU welcomes suggestions for future Course Offerings, with the understanding that any material or suggestions sent to the GDU immediately become the property of GDU, and you will receive absolutely nothing in return, except the anonymous pride of authorship in the event your suggestion is listed in a future Catalog.

Selection of Major and Minor: It is a custom to select a major and a minor, and then to change that selection many times before graduation. The major advantage of a GDU diploma is that whatever major and minor a student wishes to declare has absolutely no bearing on when the student can get his or her diploma. For parents concerned that a student may not be able to finish his or her degree program in the usual four years (at $20,000 a year tuition for better schools and out-of-state students) due to major changes and a lack of classes to complete that major, the GDU diploma represents a major financial benefit.

Substitution of Courses: GDU reserves the right to substitute Course Offerings whenever it feels like.

BACK TO MAIN CAMPUS

Copyright 1983, 1997, 1998, 1999 by Hugh Holub