COLLEGE OF SORCERY
The modern college graduate is often faced with many situations for which he or she has no appropriate recourse because the problem is too trivial to hire a lawyer to resolve. Also, many professions and activities are in fact the practice of sorcery, only disguised to avoid religious conflict. The GDU College of Sorcery was established to provide GDU graduates with skills not taught at traditional institutions.
WARNING. Students attaining proficiency in one of the disciplines of Sorcery are advised to be somewhat circumspect in the use of their new skills, as the practice of Sorcery is frowned upon in many jurisdictions.
DEPARTMENT OF ALCHEMY
ALCHEMY 101: TRANSFORMATION OF WASTE INTO GOLD Conventional and unconventional approaches to recycling are covered.
ALCHEMY 102: INDUSTRIAL ALCHEMY Experiments on how to add chemicals and coloring to food without causing cancer. Note: This course may be canceled if federal laws protecting human health are abolished.
ALCHEMY 103: TRANSFORMATION INTO WASTE The ability to turn valuable objects into garbage is widely appreciated. Learn how.
DEPARTMENT OF ASTROLOGY
ASTROLOGY 103: SYNDICATED HOROSCOPES "Cancer Today you are about to have an opportunity to get rich." Learn the tricks of famous Astrologers in writing newspaper horoscopes that apply to everyone. Example: no horoscope predicts you are destined to wander homeless among strangers in a hostile land.
DEPARTMENT OF GEOMANCY
GEOMANCY 104: LOCATING MINING CLAIMS How to stake a claim on public land, dig a hole, and obtain free and clear title from the US government is covered.
GEOMANCY 105: OIL AND GAS LIMITED PARTNERSHIPS How to convert worthless oil and gas leases into millions of dollars through syndication of oil and gas limited partnerships is the focal point. [Texas residents are not permitted to purchase these Course Materials.]
GEOMANCY 106: LOCATION OF UNDERGROUND UTILITY LINES Beneath the surface of our cities are vast arrays of sewer pipes, gas lines, electric and telephone lines, fiber optic systems, and television cable lines. A proficient Geomancer can make big money assisting construction companies in the location of this infrastructure before the digging of trenches.
GEOMANCY 107: REAL ESTATE DEVELOPMENT How to make a swamp or a desert look like valuable ground to strangers with cash.
DEPARTMENT OF NECROMANCY
NECROMANCY 101: BODY LANGUAGE How to determine the cause of death from the chalk outline of a body.
DEPARTMENT OF MAGIC
MAGIC 106: BLUE SKY AND WATER (Offered in conjunction with our Ponzi School of Business), Magic as applied in a business setting. Students will be expected to create at least one corporation out of nothing more than blue sky and water, which offers a product for which no production version exists, and sell shares of its stock to unsophisticated investors. Emphasis on software companies and Internet Access programs.
MAGIC 107: FINANCIAL REPORTS How to prepare an annual financial report that makes millions of dollars disappear into your Swiss bank account without the auditors finding out. Prerequisite: having opened a Swiss bank account.
DEPARTMENT OF MASS COMMUNICATIONS
[The casting of pictures and sound through the air is one of the modern forms of magic. The GDU program emphasizes the magical application of mass communications. ]
MASS COMMUNICATION 108: TELEVISION SYNDICATION How to produce a television program that will make a zillion dollars in syndication. This program requires participants to watch every episode of Star Trek.
MASS COMMUNICATION 109: PUBLIC RELATIONS The art of making a person or corporation seem like a good citizen when they are destroying the atmosphere or poisoning our drinking water has been detailed by our guest public relations executive from a nameless chemical company currently being sued for billions of dollars.
MASS COMMUNICATION 110: NETWORK NEWS WRITING How to make a news story match your personal bias while appearing to be "objective".
MASS COMMUNICATION 187: CREATION OF STEREOTYPES FOR POLITICAL PURPOSES America's mass media has a long and sullied history of inventing stereotypes that color the national political debate. For example, since the advent of the debate over the North American Free Trade Agreement, you will never see a rich, well-educated, articulate citizen of Mexico on a major television network. All you see are "illegal aliens". How to shoot videotape for the nightly news that focuses on certain classes of people in negative ways.
DEPARTMENT OF SORCERY
SORCERY 201: THE MODERN PRACTICE OF SORCERY One definition of the modern practice of sorcery is the making happen of something that is totally improbable at the time it is first suggested. Case study on how Newt Gingrich became Speaker of the US House of Representatives. [Please note that there is considerable debate among our Faculty as to whether Mr. Gingrich is a "good" sorcerer, or an "evil" sorcerer. GDU takes no position on the subject.]
SORCERY 202: MAKING THINGS DISAPPEAR There are vast job opportunities in the United States Congress for the qualified sorcerer who can make federal budget deficits disappear.
SORCERY 203: POTIONS Learn how to combine common household chemicals and claim the result makes hair grow, women look younger, or fat disappear. Advanced Course Materials involve the creation of an Infomercial.
SORCERY 204: SPELLS AND SPIN CONTROL Students will watch tapes of the 1996 Republican and Democratic National Conventions and study the success of the spinmasters in creating the illusion of political parties that care about poor people, women, and minorities and which are peopled with pro-family advocates.
SORCERY 205: ADVERTISING The creation of advertising is most common of all sorcerous activities. This year, our course will look at the preparation of advertising that convinces millions of people to smoke cigarettes in order to look cool, even though the results are highly lethal.
SORCERY 206: IMMORTALITY How Americans have been convinced that if they eat right, avoid cancer-causing substances, and jog regularly, they will live forever.
SORCERY 207: DUELING SORCERERS Every four years, each presidential candidate employees a "strategist" or "media wizard" to try and convince the public that their candidate is a Saint who will save humankind, and the opponent as a Satan who will destroy economic life as we know it. Review of the 1996 Presidential Election Campaign to spot the handiwork of each candidates' sorcerers.
SORCERY 208: LOBBYING Lobbyists are among the most numerous modern sorcerers. Learn how lobbyists kill beneficial consumer and environmental legislation, get bills passed that confer outrageous tax benefits on corporations, and manage to avoid every attempt at regulating their behind-the-scenes influence.
DEPARTMENT OF MODERN WITCHCRAFT
WITCHCRAFT 301: BASIC MODERN CURSES Practical guidance in dealing with everyday irritations, such as having your car door dented in a parking lot, or your laundry dumped on the floor of the laundromat. Minor curses are included allowing you to flatten tires and burn up shirts. Tips on how to unobtrusively collect hair and fingernail samples of targets (try the hair solon). WARNING: The use of animal sacrifice is seriously offensive to many people, thus plush toys are recommended.
WITCHCRAFT 302: ADVANCED CURSES The Final Exam requires students to turn bill collectors into toads.
WITCHCRAFT 303: SWIMMING It is suggested that anyone attempting to learn the practice of witchcraft also learn how to swim.
WITCHCRAFT 304: FAMILIARS The identification of a demon or spirit to serve you is an extremely important element of modern witchcraft. How to determine if your pet cat or dog is in fact a familiar.
WITCHCRAFT 305: BROOMS How to use portable vacuum cleaners for nightly transportation.
WITCHCRAFT 306: CAT LANGUAGE Learn how to understand and communicate with your cat. Final exam requires the student to have learned their cat's true name.
WITCHCRAFT 307: FASHION DESIGN Pointed black hats are definitely out. How to stylishly dress while cooking up a caldron of eyes of newt.
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Copyright 1997,1999 by Hugh Holub