The Central Park Wolf Release Program is being financed by People to Keep Easterners Out Of The West. "We rounded up 12 of the meanest, hungriest wolves we could trap," added Vaca, "so they should do real well chewing up joggers near the Great Meadow." New Yorkers were obviously upset about the proposed release of a wolf pack in Central Park. "The park is already dangerous enough, without my political opponents and viscious man-eating beasts roaming about," complained Rudy Guiliani, New York City Mayor. Other New Yorkers thought the release of the wolves would improve the park. " If those wolves eat a few muggers, the park might actually be safer at night," commented Sam Strapani, a cab driver we found at the south end of the park. If the wolf release program is successful, announced Vaca, plans are being made to retore Manhattan Island to its pre-European settlement habitat. "This would require leveling all the buildings on the island," noted Vaca, "which would greatly improve the real estate values for squirrels."
Meanwhile, in other Halloween-related news, Janet Reno has been "ex-spelled" from the Washington Witches Guild. "Any self-respecting witch ought to be able to make millions of dollars in campaign contributions disappear, and erase all those incriminiating video tapes with a flash of her broom," said Celia Sanharnick, chief witch of the guild, and US Trade Representative. A spokesman for Reno's office noted that the Attorney General looks a lot more like Ichabod Crane, and she's being chased by a bunch of goblins from the media. And in even more Halloween News, the American Association of Vampires has demanded that the number of lawyers allowed to graduate from law schools be limited. "We've already got too many blood suckers out there as it is," complained Vlad Sangre with the AAV. The American Bar Association immediately objected to the lawyer limit, and demanded that the nation's vampires be required to join the Bar Association, or face prosecution for unauthorized practice of law.
The entire ice sheet covering Antarctica melts, leaving the penguins homeless, and 5th Avenue under about 30 feet of cold water. The threat of global warming is caused by the accumulation of hot house gases in the atmosphere. "Most of the hot air in the world is coming from politicians, so we need a limit on how much political rhetoric can be spewed out into the air each year," noted the penguin leader. In a related development, thousands of polar bears have gathered near Hudson Bay and are planning to march on Washington. "We'll stop and visit Al Gore," noted Ursula, head of the Polar Bears United For Winter. The bears also plan to make a large contribution to the Democratic Party, it is rumored, provided they can visit the White House. The bears will then gather on the mall, and sing Coca Cola songs. "We figure if we make enough of a nuisance out of ourselves, the government will stop global warming. Otherwise we'd have to move south, like to Washington," said the head bear. Marion Barry, the Mayor of Washington DC was reportedly excited about the prospect of the gathering of the polar bears. "Maybe they'll bring some snow," he said. Copyright 1997 by Hugh Holub
Posted October 19, 1997
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