The
Bandersnatch Guide To
SCREWING
UP YOUR ROMANCE
There
are thousands of books on how to improve your love life.
Obviously they don't work, since hundreds of new advice
books are published every year. What has been sorely
lacking is a guide on how to screw up your romance. The
Frumious Bandersnatch, ever eager to plumb the depths of
subjects no one has the courage (or the foolishness) to
approach, offers these timely suggestions for
Valentine's Day:
NAME
RECOGNITION: One of the quickest ways to end a
romance is to call your love of the moment Sally when her
name is really Jane.( Or Jim when his name is Bob). The
best time to make this mistake is in the middle of a
sexual (i.e. Clinton) encounter. This ploy doesn't work
in situations where the object of your affection doesn't
know your name.
PRESENTLY: Love objects like
appropriate, loving and thoughtful presents, especially
for important days like Christmas or birthdays. Thus the
solution is to show up with a completely inappropriate,
thoughtless present, if you show up at all. Guys, bring
her a six pack of Bud. Ladies, bring him a bottle of
Windex. The again, if she brings him some Bud, and he
brings her some Windex, they might actually be meant for
each other.
CALLING: People in love call
each other, frequently. The failure to call can be
considered an expression of a lack of interest. Promise
to call, and then don't. When you are confronted with
"why didn't you call me?" answer with a really
stupid excuse, like "I was busy stripping the finish
off my television set." Watch out for the person who
will show up to see if you are doing what you said you
were doing.
SMUT: Oddly, even though
pornography is widespread, thus you'd assume everyone is
watching it, in fact there isn't a woman around who'd
tolerate walking into your apartment and finding copies
of Leg Show and Hustler lying around. And guys assume
women don't look at naked pictures of men. Then again, if
your romantic interest does show an interest in this
stuff, you might want to reconsider.
DRIVE
AWAY:
It really rankles a boy friend of a girl friend if you
drop them off at the store and drive off. You could
explain this is emulating Ronald Reagan.
GET
REALLY ANGRY: People in love have fights. That's
normal. What isn't normal is to get angry over some
really inane thing, like the leaves falling from the
trees or the color of freeway signs. And if you blame
your love interest for the problem, they'll probably
suggest you go into therapy before vacating your life.
LAUNDRY: One of the things
people keep from each other is their laundry. Show him
(her) your dirty underwear and suggest you do your
laundry together. (Note: this can backfire and be
considered an act of intimacy, so make sure your laundry
is really dirty.)
SCRATCH: For some unknown
reason, people have a real problem with other people
scratching themselves. It makes you wonder how baseball
players ever find a mate and get married. Scratching your
ass usually is a big turnoff. However, do not volunteer
to scratch each other, as many people find this
satisfying. And you don't think we descended from apes?
MOTHER: Introduce your love
object to your mother and advise that your mother will
have to live with you if you ever get married. This will
scare nearly anyone off.
BE
CRITICAL: People in love generally avoid being critical of each
other. Don't do this, because after you get married, all
the pent-up criticism comes out anyway. Start being
critical from the first date. (Note: in some cultures,
being critical is viewed as a form of affection...so be
very careful.)
If
none of this works, you are probably dealing with someone
who loves you so much, they don't care about your
foibles. At which point you should marry them
immediately, because you're not going to get a second
chance.
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