|
AJO, ARIZONA: The 29th body has been found in the western Arizona desert this summer. The deceased was another "undocumented alien" or "UDA" trying to enter the United States by crossing one of the most inhospitable deserts in the world. The increase in border deaths has been blamed on (1) increased Border Patrol enforcement in major border cities such as San Diego which has diverted the UDA traffic to remote areas; (2) the "coyotes" who smuggle UDAs and dump them in the desert unprepared for the hostile elements; and (3) Mexico's economy. "These people will go to extreme hardships to get a better life," said one local resident. Kinda reminds one of the stories about our ancestors who risked hardships to get to America to find a better life... <>FOR MORE ON HOW TO MAKE AN AMERICAN.
Copyright 2000 by H. Holub The Suharto Furniture Company Announces Its Hemingway Collection The Suharto Furniture Company, a subsidiary of The Suharto Financial Institute, has announced that it is diversifying into the home decorating business with a series of product lines centered around famous writers. The first line of products available will be its Ernest Hemingway Collection. The collection's original 86 pieces were inspired by the writer's activities in Kenya, Key West, Ketchum, Idaho, and Havana. The upholstery designed to compliment the Ernest Hemingway Collection draws from the various design styles of the Kenya, Ketchum, Key West and Havana brothels. The unique fabrics weave tales of a man who had a lust for life—come to think of it, a lust for death as well—as intriguing and besotted as any of his works… well, except maybe A Fly Fisher's Life: The Art and Mechanics of Fly Fishing, which, frankly, was not all that intriguing. The LocationsKenya... a land enveloped in pestilence and famine—the inspiration for a line of furniture in The Ernest Hemingway Collection. Kenya exhibits a melding of natural textures inspired by Hemingway's safari excursions on the African continent... wood, leather, rattan, woven water hyacinth, the soft, puffy feel of legs swollen with elephantiasis, the jagged terrain of mounds of trash festering in the jungle heat, the ooze of animal carcasses rotting in the dank air, all filtered through brain cells stewing in rum and lime bisque under the merciless equatorial sun. Especially when mixed with the other groups in The Hemingway Collection, (i.e., buy as much as you can!) the effect is reminiscent of adventurous eras past and the man who defined "out-of-control" in both words and deeds. The result is an exotic blend of obscure, inexplicable odors. Key West... another of the places Hemingway fled to. It was in the comfort of the thirteenth largest port in the country that the author penned several of his best works, a couple of real losers, and some wicked knock-knock jokes. This line takes its look from the bright tones of the blue Caribbean and the vibrant hues of tropical flowers, tempered by the British colonial sense of buggering the natives that so riveted the imagination of the man and his writings. Havana... home of a hundred different tropical diseases and inspiration for a line in the furniture collection that bears the writer's name. Hemingway was so enamored of the red-light district that he called it home longer than any other place he lived. Likewise, we were so intrigued, we borrowed the city's scrolling ironwork, rich carvings, supple leathers and other Spanish European influences in creating our own interpretation of Havana which actually has very little to do with Hemingway’s Havana, or the modern Havana, for that matter. Ketchum... a small western Idaho village, which was the final place Hemingway called home and the namesake for one of the lines in The Hemingway Collection. Here the writer-sportsman found refuge from a busy world and from several ex-wives; a land of sun-bleached woods where a man could hide from alimony collectors, where the rivers were filled with trout and the days with suicidal ideation, and the big blue skies went on forever. Ketchum features rich, distressed woods and leathers inspired by a man fleeing inner demons across this rugged landscape. After a full day of electroshock treatments, you’ll welcome the relaxing look of these pieces. Ketchum was the place Hemingway chose to blow off his head—we think these furnishings will inspire you in a similar way. The Hemingway Collection: If Papa were alive today to see how we have celebrated his legacy, he’d blow his brains out all over again! © 2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan Contributing Editors
COMMENTARY BY J.P. BERNICK BOOGIE BASS BITES BACK Welcome back, Loyal Readers, and as always you make a lovely couple. In today's column we will be starting a two-part series dealing with the hot-button issue of Things That Talk, But Shouldn't. And I am not referring to Rosie O’Donnell. If you keep company with sportsmen and fishermen, you have probably seen a fish mounted on a plaque. It is further possible that you found this display somehow unsatisfying. Perhaps you even said to yourself "This fish would be MUCH more impressive if it moved, told jokes, and sang parodies of rock songs." If so, you either need to stop fooling with your medication RIGHT NOW, or you are the inventor of the Boogie Bass. Yes, I said "Boogie Bass," and no, I'm not joking. According to online store IdeaPlanet.com, Boogie Bass is "the seemingly innocent mounted bass that looks like a fisherman’s trophy. Ingeniously designed and crafted to look like a real fish, Boogie Bass has a built in motion activated sensor that detects when someone passes by. Once motion is detected, Boogie Bass 'comes to life,' tapping its tail, turning his head, moving his mouth as he tells his funny one-liners and sings hilarious parodies to 'Pretty Woman' & 'Limbo Rock!' What a wonderful way to surprise and delight your family, friends, and especially unsuspecting visitors." (The Boogie Bass description is accompanied by a picture of what indeed appears to be a bass tapping its tail, turning its head, and moving its mouth. I'm not an expert, though. It could be a picture of Dick Gephardt.) If I was in the market for a mounted bass that came to life and sang hilarious parodies, I would be sold right there. But for any of you who are still undecided as to whether this is the right singing mounted bass for you, the Boogie Bass webpage includes testimonials. In the unedited words of one Boogie Bass aficionado, "Boogie Bass is SOOOOO funny! I laughed so much when i saw it on TV, that I had to go on the website and see it again I'm buying one for my dad for Father's day." (The author of the previous statement signed himself "mr. boogie bass." It is possible that this was not his given name.) After due consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I am outside the intended demographic of Boogie Bass owners. In all fairness, though, the Boogie Bass does have uses beyond being incontrovertible proof of the decline of Western civilization, such as being an excellent way to deal with pesky door-to-door solicitors: [Doorbell rings.] POLITICIAN: "Hi! I'm Jim Taxfilcher, and I'm running for Congress! Mind if I spend the next two hours telling you in excruciating detail why you should vote for me?" BOOGIE BASS OWNER: "Not at all! Let's go stand beneath this seemingly innocent mounted bass while you do so." [Boogie Bass starts to sing a hilarious parody of "Pretty Woman."] POLITICIAN: AUUUGH! "The vengeful spirit of Roy Orbison! My heart!" (Has heart attack.) BOOGIE BASS OWNER'S FAMILY AND FRIENDS: "We are surprised and delighted!" (Astute observers may note that, in the above scene, the politician does not appear to be surprised and delighted despite being an unsuspecting visitor. A quick call to the Environmental Protection Agency, however, confirmed that politicians soliciting door-to-door are not "unsuspecting visitors," but rather "a plague upon the land." ) In conclusion, I would like to say that I am honored to be the first human being ever to use the phrase "Boogie Bass aficionado" in a sentence. I owe it all to Dick Gephardt.
Copyright 2000 by J.P. Bernick
|
In this issue...
WHERE TO SEND YOUR KID TO SUMMER CAMP HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEONS Past Featured Articles... HOW TO BE AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE Recent issues... SHOOTING GALLERY PLANNED FOR TIMES SQUARE PARK RANGER GIVEN ORDER OF LENIN AWARD |
