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May, 2007
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REAL ADVERTISEMENTS
Historic Lowe House Working/Open Studio Spaces Rental:From $450 a month Negotiable Features: Separate entrances; common kitchen,restroom and outdoor work and exhibition areas Heating/Cooling,Electric, Water, Gas, Shared Utilities Size:From 180 sq. ft.to 865 sq. ft. National Register of Historic Places and long history as a destination for fine
arts and fine working artists. For more information: TUBAC HISTORIC PROPERTIES
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NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA: TUBAC ART TAX PROPOSED TUBAC: The Kokopelli County Board of
Supervisors held an emergency meeting recently to address the serious budget
problem facing the County.
"Our County's government is supported by property taxes on lots of really
high priced real estate," said Bill Smith, Chairman of the Kokopelli County
Board of Supervisors.
"The high prices for the real estate are due to the fact that we have a
reputation of being a famous art colony," Smith added.
The problem facing Kokopelli County is that the last real artist has left the
County.
"Armando Pinon, who is a very famous artist, moved out of the County, and now
we don't have any real artists left," said Smith. "If we don't have any real
artists, then the real estate people can't sell all the historic homes and
business sites for exorbitant prices, which in turn generates a lot of tax
revenue to the County."
Kokopelli County, therefore, needs some real artists in residence.
"All we have left is people selling trinkets," said Smith. "We need real
artists with national reputations living and working here, so real estate values
remain high and thus our tax revenues."
The Kokopelli County Board of Supervisors is considering enacting an Art Tax
on real estate in the county.
"We would exempt the property of any real artists from any property taxes,
since they're the goose laying the golden eggs of high priced homes owned by
people who want to live near the artists," Smith said. "But we would impose a
special Art Tax on the property whose value is increased by having artists in
the area."
"We shouldn't have to pay for letting artists live for free," said Sam
Greedbag, head of the Kokopelli County Board of Realtors. "We have the right to
profit off creative people without providing them any support. The Art Tax is
socialism."
Artists from around the country were supportive of the Kokopelli Art Tax. "We
go into some run down area that is worthless, renovate the old buildings, and
create an art community," said Michael Lison, a watercolorist from New York,
"and the next thing we know someone has put a Starbucks in, raised all the
rents, and we get driven out."
"Artists are one of the major generators of increased real property values,"
said Sharon Mopdale, art economist at the General Delivery University.
"Wherever an art colony forms, real estate values rise and lots of people make a
lot of money...except the artists," she added.
"Subsidizing artists actually makes excellent business sense, especially for
redevelopment of old warehouse districts and historic districts," she added.
The problem is, the beneficiaries of increased property values don't want to
support the artists who create the rise in property values.
"If the arts community had to depend on voluntary contributions from the real
estate community, they'd be in even worse shape than they are now," added
Mopdale.
"That's exactly why we're just going to tax the real estate that benefits
from the artists," said Kokopelli County Supervisor Smith. "The other option is
property values fall due to the lack of artists, and the County goes broke."
County real estate speculators threatened to sue if the Kokopelli County Art
Tax is imposed. "It's un-American to use tax money to support artists," said Jim
Barber, major land speculator in the area. "Next thing we know, they'll be
trying to sell pictures of naked women or something," he added before he drove
off in his new Mercedes Benz to inspect his new Art Colony Townhome project. TUCSON:
TUCON TO IMPROVE DOWNTOWN IMAGE The Downtown Improvement Committee of the City of Tucson
has suggested that the problem of homeless people overwhelming the city center
be solved by buying all the homeless people new clothes and providing bathing facilities for
them. "The problem is we've got all these awful looking bums hanging
around downtown scaring people off,"explained Jim Drinkle, head of the Downtown
Improvement Committee. "We can't seem to succeed in running them out of town
because of civil liberties issues, so we have to do something to improve the
esthetics of our city's core." By getting the homeless new clothes, and providing them with bathing facilities,
it is argued, no one would know that the downtown area was overrun with transients. "Part of the problem is their going to the bathroom in public, which
is unavoidable since they have no access to restroom facilities because the
building managers run them out," Drinkle explained. "If they look and smell
like normal citizens, no one will know they are bums." Homeless advocates scoffed at the plan to beautify the homeless. "Maybe
if they spent some money on creating jobs and providing homes for us,
there wouldn't be a problem," commented Shadow, one of the local transients. NOGALES:
DRUG TUNNEL TOURS ANNOUNCED In order to promote more tourism in Nogales, the Ambos Nogales Tourism
Organization has announced that guided tours of Nogales' infamous drug tunnels
would start in several weeks. "Nogales is world famous for the quantity and quality of its drug tunnels,"
said Polly Cracker, head of the ANTO. "We have the longest drug tunnel ever discovered, as well as one which had
electric lights and a ventilation system," Cracker added. Most of the Nogales drug tunnels don't attempt to cross the US-Mexico border,
but connect with the elaborate system of storm drains under the City that
connect to a major tunnel that runs under the DeConcini Port into Mexico. "Both drug smugglers and alien smugglers use the main tunnel to get into the
US, then access their private tunnels through the storm drain system," said
Carlos Cerca, head of the local Drug Enforcement Agency office. "Some of the
tunnels were probably constructed during Prohibition." Since no one knows where all the storm drains are located beneath Nogales,
new drug tunnels are being discovered almost daily. "You can't hardly dig a hole near the border without punching into a drug
tunnel," said Cerca. The Drug Tunnel Tours for Tourists will cost $50 each, and includes an armed
escort. "We have a special reward program for tourists who discover a new drug
tunnel while on a tour," said ANTO's Cracker. "Anyone finding a new drug tunnel
will get a week's free vacation, including airfare, to Bogota, Columbia," she
added. NOGALES:
CRACK DOWN ON ILLEGAL CANADIANS
ANNOUNCED After their much touted success in reducing illegal
immigration from Mexico, the US Border Patrol announced recently that they would
now focus on stemming the tide of illegal Canadians entering the US. "We were very effective in snarling traffic on Interstate 19 so we could peer
into the cars and trucks and identify undocumented aliens (UDAs) from Mexico,"
said Iva Gotcha, spokesperson for the Border Patrol. "And through the use of our
scientific profiling methods, we could wave the Anglo- appearing people right
through and harass the darker skinned folks who were obviously suspicious
looking." While this program was effective in stopping UDA's from Mexico trying to
enter the US via the Interstate highway system, studies indicate the death rate
skyrocketed due to exposure and dehydration for UDA's trying to sneak across the
border in remote desert and mountain areas . "The good news," said Gotcha, "was
that the death rate for highway accidents among UDAs declined." In order to justify obstructing the freeway, the Border Patrol decided to
concentrate on slowing the flow of illegal Canadians into the US. "It is a well-known problem that millions of Canadians are dying to watch US
television shows and buy more expensive prescription drugs in the US," said
Gotcha, "so we are now profiling to spot those alien Canadians." The profile for identification of illegal Canadians is the paleness of their
skins. "The whiter they are, the more likely they are coming from way far north
where there's not a lot of sunshine," said Gotcha. The Border Patrol conceded that hassling pale people as well as brown people
served to reduce complaints that only one racial profile group was being
hassled. "Now, we got justification to hassle everyone," said Gotcha. NOGALES:
NEW SANTA CRUZ COUNTY PRISON
ANNOUNCED According to the usually uninformed sources, the
federal government has announced that a new prison will be
constructed in Santa Cruz County dedicated to exclusively housing prisoners from
Nogales and Santa Cruz County. "We are trying to reduce the cost of incarceration per prisoner," said Deputy
Warden Joe Bob Wrangle, "and we realized we were spending far too much money to
house the criminals from Nogales." The Bureo of Federeal Prisons decided that huge fences, guards, and the other trappings of
a prison weren't necessary to contain convicts from Nogales. "The other prisoners, especially the ones from Phoenix and Tucson, are
constantly trying to escape, so we have to provide maximum security," said
Deputy Warden Wrangle. "But, we realized that the convicts from Nogales never successfully tried to
escape," added Wrangle. "We studied the problem and discovered that whenever a prisoner from the
Nogales area tried to hatch an escape plot, the other Nogales inmates would turn
him in, or somehow frustrate his efforts. In one case, the other inmates
actually got out of the facility and caught an escapee from Rio Rico and brought
him back to prison," Wrangle continued. "There's something very different about the mentality of the people from down
there, but it is good for us because we can contain them without hardly any
expense," the Deputy Warden concluded. The new Santa Cruz Prison will be located next to the border. "If
anyone does escape, and they flee into Mexico, that's just one less problem we
have," said Wrangle.
Information about Tucson the Chamber of Commerce Doesn't Wasnt You To Know About Tucson, Arizona is a real place (sort of)
located in the southeastern part of what is proposed to be Baja
Arizona. A metropolitan area of about onw million people,
Tucsonans are known for their fierce opposition to anything remotely urban
looking, such as large buildings and freeways. The principal economic activities in the area
include land speculation, land development, land fraud, missile making, pottery,
and answering telephones for companies (except Microsoft). Not surprisingly, the
average family income in Tucson is several thousand dollars less than in
Phoenix. Tucson experiences temperatures as high as
117 degrees in the summer, has an average annual rainfall of less than 12
inches, and the area around Tucson is home to more kinds of poisonous snakes,
insects and lizards than anywhere in the world. Residents in the desert areas
surrounding the city routinely use blacklights to search their rooms for
poisonous scorpions clinging to the ceiling, before going to bed. This
information is provided in case you might be thinking of moving to
Tucson. Politically, Tucson is mostly Democrat. But
Tucson has about 500,000 environmental and neighborhood groups and most local
elections are referenda on growth issues. Notwithstanding an extremely active
opposition to growth,the urban area continues to sprawl in all directions,
stopped only by mountain ranges and Indian reservations. The cartoon character
Tilly is based on real
statements made by Tucsonans at public hearings. BAJA
ARIZONA--AMERICA'S 54TH STATE
An enormous mistake was made on
December 30, 1853 when the Gadsden Treaty was signed between the United
States and Mexico. The northern part of the Mexican state of Sonora, an
area located south of the Gila River, was purchased by the United States,
and tacked into what became the State of Arizona. The people of the Gadsden Purchase have
increasingly chafed under the domination of an enormous population in an
around Phoenix (Maricopa County). In order to end the domination of
Phoenix, the people of the Gadsden Purchase are seeking statehood.
Proclaiming themselves as Baja Arizona, a "state of mind" is acknowledged
to exist. The primary differences between Baja
Arizona and the remainder of Arizona are of attitude and tolerance. The
people of Baja Arizona are known throughout the southwest for their
enlightened view of the world. Most of Baja Arizona, for example, was
represented in Congress by a (reluctantly outed) gay Republican, who was
also one of the finest Congresspersons to ever serve in Washington--Jim
Kolbe. If Baja Arizona Became a
State The State Capital would be an RV, that
would move from town to town every six weeks. The State Motto would be "mas
cerveza". The State Song would be "Jo Jo" by the
Beatles. The State Animal would be Wiley
Coyote. The State Minstrel is Linda
Ronstadt. The state would have a minimum speed of
55 mph on freeways, and anyone caught driving at less than that speed
would see their cars confiscated and crushed on the
spot. RVs would not be allowed on Baja
Arizona freeways. Cigarettes would be taxed at the rate
of $2.00 per pack to support the state's free health care
system. Baja Arizona would probably send two
Democrats to the US Senate. WHAT ARE THE
CHANCES? The state legislature would have to
call a special election, and the people of Alta Arizona and Baja Arizona
would have to vote in favor of splitting the state. Then Congress would
have to approve. The chances of the people in Maricopa County voting to
get rid of the concentration of Democrats to the south, and the people of
Baja Arizona voting to sever their ties to the right-wingers to the north
are excellent. The chances in Congress are not so
good. First, there are several proto-states waiting to
be created--Puerto Rico (the 51st), District of Columbia (52nd), and
Northern California (53rd). Baja Arizona is 54th. The other three would
probably send Democrats to Congress, as would Baja Arizona. There is no
way the GOP-dominated House and Senate would create 4 new Democrat
delegations in Congress, just like the South blocked the admission of free
states before the Civil War. Like the pre-Civil War period, the only way
Baja Arizona gets to be a state is if a new Republican dominated state is
also admitted. Texas could split into 5 states. Disneyworld could become a
state... LETTERS AND
COMMENTS Enjoyed your frumious bandersnatch! But
the map of Arizona showing only Alta and Baja is incomplete--it is common
knowledge that the upper third, centered in Flagstaff, is Alta Arizona;
the lower third, centered in Tucson, is Baja Arizona; and the middle
third, centered in Phoenix, is Caca Arizona. Simple as ABC.----from D.D.
Patton |
OTHER NEWS.... EVERYONE SHOULD CARRY GUNS "Everyone should carry guns," suggested Joe Bob Beele, President of the Arizona Automatic Rifle ASssociation. "We could be to create a society in which seriously crazy people would be locked up and kept from being able to buy a couple of guns and blow away 32 people at random., said Beele. "But we made a decision a while back to protect individual rights to a degree that even though many people knew the shooter was nuts, no one could "take away his civil rights" and lock him up in the loony bin." Beele suggested the better approach would be to quit playing games with the concept of liberty and go all the way. Everyone should be carrying guns. "What struck us in the hours after the news broke of the shooting spree was how come there wasn't a single armed person around who could have shot the bastard before the cops finally (and seemingly very belatedly) showed up. Hours this whacko was in action. HOURS!!!!!!!!! Wasn't there even a campus security senile around with a radio to call in the carnage?" Beele said. Beele added "It would have been a much different situation if in every class room there had been two or three kids packing heat. In comes whacko waving a gun....shoot the sucker down" In Arizona, for example, one can get a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Lots of people have these permits. It is kind of comforting to know that if you are sitting in a restaurant and a nutball comes in and asks everyone to pay down on the floor at gunpoint, someone just might pull on him and blow his sorry ass away. "Sure, if everyone was armed, lots of nutballs would be an immediate danger, Beele added. " But you know what, in about 3 weeks there would be a lot fewer of these bird brains left alive." Threaten someone with a gun. Boom. You're dead. And it is perfectly legal. In Arizona, anyway. Being threatened with "deadly force" is quite sufficient to shoot and kill the threatener. You might even get a lifetime membership in the state's Automatic Rifle Association. Just don't shoot the cat waving the gun in the back as he's leaving. Got to get'em face on. Cops immediately objected to widespread citizen armament. " The most dangerous part of police work is trying to break up a domestic disturbance where one or more of the participants are armed and crazy," said Sheriff Joe "brown Shirt" Arepeeoo, Sheriff of Maricopa County and Dodge City. " But how many women might be alive today if, when their deranged ex-boyfriends or husbands showed up at work trying to kill them, her coworkers were armed and shot the sonofabitch first," replied Beele. Some people might think twice before pulling a gun to rob a convenience market if they knew the shoppers would likely shoot them down. "Of course, there are those who suicide by cop, and are just as likely to pull a gun even knowing they will be taken down by the citizenry," added Beele. " OK. The quicker the take down occurs, the better for us all. Letting these suicidal maniacs the opportunity to blow off 700 rounds of ammunition and kill 32 people is totally inexcusable." Like they said in Tombstone.."an armed society is a polite society." [Note: There is actually sort of an historic precedent...Tucson in the 1880's which was then viewed as one of the most lawless places in the country but everyone was armed to the teeth. You're longevity was a direct function of whether you were likeable.]
EDITORIAL RANT NEW MIDDLE EAST POLICY NEEDED Having failed to make Iraq the starting point for a wave of democracy in the Middle East, it is time to face the problem over there for what it is. A serious outbreak of insanity. Whatever you want to say, Islam as it is being practiced in the Middle East is insanity. OK, threaten to behead us. Point made. You Sunnis and Shiites and whatever thumping your Koran and chopping people's heads off who disagree with you are dangerous to humanity. So...the solution is simple...quarantine the bastards. Get our troops out of harms way. There is nothing to be gained being stuck between the bombs of one faction and the guns of another. If they want to kill each other off over who is the rightful heir to the Prophet, let them. Just no way let them have nukes or any means to mess with us. That means no airplanes or anything else. Quarantine. Like take them back to the 7th century or wherever it is the mullahs want to live. And for our sake, blow up their damned oil fields and lets live on solar and renewable and not feed them money to fuel their desire to kill us. Are we stupid? Look a us now.... BACK ISSUESGLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
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NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED
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